When an autistic is (unintentionally) rude
A better title for this blog post is,
‘When you’re rude but you don’t mean to be rude and can’t understand how what you did or said was rude…’
Theory of Mind
There’s this thing called ‘Theory of Mind’ and autistics tend to struggle with it to differing degrees. It’s not one of the 7 criteria that ‘qualifies’ you for an autism diagnosis however it is a fairly common occurrence. And it’s not just something autistics struggle with, neurotypicals can as well. Theory of mind is basically the ability to know what another person is thinking or feeling. ‘Mind reading’, could be another way of describing it.
For example, a man is reading the newspaper and throws it down in disgust. Why do you think this is?
You might come up with a few options:
· He didn’t like what he was reading.
· What he was reading reminded him of his disgusting breakfast that morning.
· He saw something across the street that he didn’t appreciate.
· The newspaper was dirty and made his hands also dirty.
· He couldn’t concentrate due to surrounding noise.
· He needs to go to the toilet AGAIN (prostate…).
· There was a misprint and the same comics were published twice (tragic!!!).
· Um… the building caught fire just when he got up to a good bit and he has to evacuate.
· Er… his pet elephant sprayed him with water and now the paper is all wet.
And that’s probably enough possibilities.
We’ll never know why this mythical man threw down his mythical newspaper in mythical disgust, but what we do know is that there is probably a logical reason for it based on our own experience and understanding of human behaviour. More information would certainly be helpful, but chances are it won’t be anything outrageous (unless you know him personally and that he actually does have a pet elephant). The point is, this is theory of mind – figuring out why people do what they do/attributing reasons for behaviour. Part and parcel of theory of mind is also the ability to moderate your own behaviour accordingly.
What happens if you struggle in this area
We use theory of mind every time we have a social interaction, which is usually multiple times a day. Thus if you struggle with Theory of Mind, then you’re going to struggle with social interactions, potentially multiple times a day. Do you see the problem with this? The inability to guess at other people’s motives, or to anticipate how they might feel in a given situation, can cause big issues. I know of adults with poor theory of mind and their marriages are not the greatest – they don’t realise that their spouse is hurting, or worse still, that they’re hurting their spouse.
Autistics are often accused of having a lack of empathy, but this isn’t true. They can feel empathy, it just might be at the wrong time, or should I say the ‘right’ time? Thus Child A might hit Child B and be bewildered as to why Child B is crying – it didn’t hurt Child A at all to hit them. Only through the painful experience of themselves being hit will they perhaps understand. A husband can demand his ‘man cave’ without realising the implications for the rest of his family as they are crammed into a teensy living space. Chances are unlikely that they will ever figure out the injustice of this situation unless they are explicitly told. Autistics are (usually) not sociopaths, they just struggle with theory of mind.
A short story about my experience
This brings me to my own experience today. I am on a chat group with other autistics and a woman mentioned that her first date with some new bloke went terribly, one of the reasons why being that he asked, ‘Are you always this awkward?’ Everyone came up with different theories as to why he might say this, but I think the general consensus was that the bloke was rude. And this is where I struggled. Why can’t he ask this question? If he’s being honest and not asking to be mean but out of genuine curiosity, then what’s wrong with it? Someone very helpfully explained that it’s rude to criticise other people on something they can’t change in 10 seconds (not that awkwardness is something that needs to be changed, mind you), and that it serves no purpose other than to let the other person know that you think they are awkward. My husband also mentioned that it’s perhaps a tad too familiar for a first meeting. Huh, who knew? Everyone but me. Apparently I’ve been going around asking the wrong kind of questions and being rude and ‘too familiar’, which might explain why a number of interactions I’ve had with people in the past have turned abruptly, and bafflingly, sour. How interesting.
The question now is, what do I do with this new information? You might be thinking, ‘clearly you refrain from asking questions or making comments such as this’, but it’s not that simple! Sometimes I find myself in the situation when there’s this one burning question that will not go away until it is asked. It MUST be asked. Or perhaps I don’t think at all and blurt it out, often regretting this impulsivity immediately after. There’s a point where my filter goes a bit haywire and as hard as I try I cannot control it. Or perhaps I overlook the way another person might feel about my actions because I have either not personally experienced the consequences of said action, or forgotten about them at that moment. I’m not intentionally a rude and selfish person but this whole ‘lack of theory of mind’ business can make even the best-intentioned behave out of character.
How to strengthen your own theory of mind
If you are being told that you’re rude or lacking empathy, it may be that you’re actually lacking theory of mind. Assuming that you don’t want to be this way (I would hope not), don’t stress because there are a few things you can do.
1. Pray. Ask God that He reveals to you patterns of behaviour that are neither loving nor glorifying Him, and give you the ability to overcome them.
2. Listen to others. If someone who cares about you is saying that you’re being rude, listen to them. Better yet, why not ask them if you seem to struggle in this area?
3. Examine your own behaviour. Don’t expect the onus to rest entirely on others – you have a responsibility for your own actions.
4. Be willing to change. There’s not point in listening to others if you’re not willing to act upon the information. Besides, people aren’t likely to tell you the truth if they think you’re just going to ignore them, or even get angry and defensive.
5. Think before you speak, or act, or do anything. The more you practise filtering the better you get at it.
How to encourage another person
But what happens if it’s another person that you are close to that lacks theory of mind? If it’s a child then you can gradually and gently teach them. Thankfully you have the Bible to base your teaching on and there are plenty of verses that you can use to give the reason why we are to be kind, loving, patient, gracious, etc. etc. I cannot see the point of saying to a child to be polite if the only reason a parent can give is because it’s the nice thing to do. Really, that’s it?! Use non-conflict times for training. If it’s a young child you could utilise puppets or toys to role model; if it’s an older child or teen you can create comic strips (stick figures will do!) and write in thought bubbles for the different participants. You can also look into technology to provide you with examples, or read books that are relevant to the particular struggle they’re having.
If your autistic person is an adult then you’re in for a much harder time because ultimately they have to make that choice to change. The situation is exacerbated if your adult also struggles with emotional regulation, for any external input will most likely be construed as judgement or attack, leading them to become excessively defensive and subsequently either angry or teary and shut down the conversation. Oh dear. Slow and gently is the key combined with a LOT of prayer. God’s got this! Ideally you will have a relationship with them that means you can speak into their life and they will know 100% that you are not ‘out to get them’. If you don’t, then work on this first. Meanwhile you could try to expose them to movies or books that might help them understand how others think and feel (just remember though, they’ll probably need you to point out the obvious), then orchestrate situations where discussions about said people occur and perhaps compare it to their own family and behaviour. But remember, slow and gently! If your adult does have good self-regulation and is open to discussions, then a frank chat might be all that’s needed.
Theory of Own Mind
I don’t know whether you figured it out but theory of mind is very dependant on the autistic individual knowing how they themselves work. This is actually called Theory of Own Mind and is in a way even more important than Theory of (another’s) Mind. But that’s a blog post for another day. Meanwhile, now that I know that asking people if they’re awkward is actually rude I shall try very hard not to do it. I just hope people are gracious as ‘try’ is the operative word in that sentence and sometimes my brain chooses not to cooperate…