Should we teach social skills?
A friend of mine recently told me about her son’s experience with a well-known social skills course. He spent half of the time under the table, and when asked to talk to the adult leader sitting next to him he refused. His reasoning? Why should he speak to someone when he doesn’t want to? Let’s just say that this particular group was not as useful as they had hoped, and it highlights a few key elements that people often fail to consider when they enrol their children. Firstly, there is an expectation that the child will willingly enter into this group setting, participate wholeheartedly, and come out the other end transformed. Secondly, there is an unspoken idea that the child needs to change in the first place. Some would argue that teaching autistic kids social skills is anywhere between unnecessary to borderline abuse, as it is telling them in a condescending, ‘ablest’ manner that they are wrong in the way that they naturally socialise. They say that autism isn’t a deficit, just a difference, and as such they socialise differently. Fair call, I get that. I’ve looked at a number of social skills courses available and have never felt the need to sign up my own kids. Not because I don’t think they won’t learn anything by attending, but because I don’t think they will learn anything useful by attending. Confused? Allow me to explain.
Is different good?
Firstly, let’s discuss what it means to be ‘different’ within this context. I’m certainly not opposed to seeing the way autistics socialise as being different, however by viewing this as a perfectly acceptable alternative can conceal the reality of what it’s like to live as a neurodivergent in a neurotypical world. It’s challenging, for both parties. Thus the issue isn’t about whether an autistic’s social skills are deficient or just different, it is whether it is beneficial for them to persist in this way. What if their difference is never accepted or understood by others and so they never have the friendships that they may crave? Some autistic adults loudly declare, ‘Stuff them! They don’t deserve you; find your own tribe!’ It’s very well for them to say such ‘powerful’ things but they’re not among the numerous adults who are reaching out and asking why they can’t meet a ‘significant other’, how they can stop being so lonely, why can’t they just find a friend who appreciates them for who they are?
It’s heartbreaking to hear of adults who can’t figure out the social aspect of life, let alone children who have the potential of a life-time of pain ahead of them if they aren’t helped out now. Whether autistic or not, skill acquisition is a necessary part of growing up and being a useful, contributing member of society, and social skills are no different. I’m not saying that your autistic child should seek to become un-autistic (which is impossible, anyway), but let’s be honest that while being ‘different’ can be great, it naturally comes with challenges that can not be ignored, and so in some areas of life, such as the social sphere, ‘different’ isn’t always the best option.
But not every autistic struggles socially!
Correct, not every autistic person struggles with friendships or relationships. They are in the minority though, seeing as autism’s primary characteristic is social and communication disorder. These people have either ‘found their tribe’ (eg. other NDs who are equally as ‘different’), mask really well, or learned how to fit in. That is, learned social skills and etiquette, non-verbal cues, and how to navigate the hidden curriculum. They may have picked these things up by themselves or with a bit of help from others, either way they are going to have a pretty reasonable experience of life if their social skills are similar to the rest of society. Good for them! Do we just accept that some do ‘get it’ and some don’t though? Is it fair on those who don’t to refuse them the opportunity by telling parents that if they send their children to learn new skills then they are effectively abusing them? Why not give these kids a fair chance of figuring out social cues and making friends by providing them with the opportunities to learn? Social skills courses aren’t for everyone but they certainly can be life-changing for some.
My problem with social skills courses
You may have guessed but I am a proponent for teaching children social skills. However, while I appreciate the underlying aim of the typical social skills course, I do not care for the way they are presented. A typical course is ‘one-size-fits-all’, 6 to 10 weeks long, 1-1.5 hours per week, and often filled with randoms. They rarely involve the parents so the parents are ignorant about what’s being taught. They rarely provide opportunities to practise the techniques outside of the group, cram in way too much information for kids to process, and rely heavily on kids to be semi-good at communication and relationships already. I remember deciding with another Mum that social skills courses seem to be created by neurotypicals, for neurotypicals. There is also a significant risk that they teach the children that it is necessary to pretend to be someone else and to mask. While masking is sometimes necessary and useful, some people do so to such an extent (in order to fit in) that they completely forget who they truly are, their likes and dislikes, and mental health issues ensue. Do you see my problem with social skills courses?
A better way… ?
Something I’ve learned from homeschooling two autistic kids, one with very slow processing, is that:
· go slowly and concepts are processed, go too fast and you cover more but it’s a complete waste of time;
· learn just one thing at a time and it’s remembered, try to cram in multiple points and nothing sinks in;
· give them the opportunity to use their learning and the learning sticks;
· make it visual!
Now, I get that these groups are often run within time constraints, and are often limited to those who sign up. Not everyone has the flexibility of bringing together an established peer group for 10 minutes every other day just to learn one concept and then give them time to play and implement what was just learned. But seriously, in my opinion that’s actually the best way to learn: 10-20 minutes, one concept at a time, over a year (or at least a decent length of time), accompanied by a visual aid of some sort. Give them the opportunity to practise, make sure there’s plenty of revision, teach it in a sequential manner, and Bob’s yer uncle! Or Brian, in my case.
Using our relationships to glorify God
But are teaching social skills really necessary? We live in a world that deplores the idea of changing the self and declares that the world should accept you exactly as you are! ‘You’re perfect, you’re beautiful, the world is a better place now that you’re in it.’ Can we go back to reality, please? Thanks to sin, none of us are perfect, and as such all humans, autistic or not, need to grow and change if their goal is to be more like Jesus. Such is human nature that if everyone followed their own desires and refused to consider the needs of others then this world would be a terrible place to live - abuse would be rife, injustice prevailing. Thank God that He holds us to a higher standard than this and calls us to be more like Him. Being autistic is no exception, and even though my brain struggles to figure out social norms and I find it really hard (not to mention unpleasant) to socialise as others expect me to, as a Christian I am commanded to show others love just as Jesus loved me. Regardless of the cost. Drat. We must tell our children the same, and part of this is teaching them how to treat others with politeness and respect. They may never love socialising, feel comfortable being in a group, or have a million friends, and that’s ok. And they, like me, may never be amazing at socialising, but they will at least know how to show love while still being allowed to be autistic.
Here are some basic social skills that I think every child (autistic or not) should know:
· How to listen. This includes checking in with their eyes, not moving around too much or too loudly, turning towards the person, and concentrating on what is being said.
· Having a conversation. It shows that you care about others by allowing them to have a turn speaking and letting them to choose the subject. This requires learning how to deduce common interests and how to ask questions.
· How to address someone. It is respectful to use a person’s name when you wish to get their attention, titles as appropriate, and a body gesture when needed.
· How to monitor their own body language. It is loving to monitor volume, personal space, and tone when conversing. Sometimes body language can give the wrong impression as well, so teach them how to be aware of their arms and legs. ‘It’s not always what you say, but how you say it!’
· How not to like people. Your child doesn’t haven’t be friends with everyone (and neither do you!), so how can they not be friends yet still show God’s love?
· And finally, teach them the basics of small talk so they can relate to just about anyone, but also allow them not to use this skill if they don’t want to. If they don’t want to talk to someone, then should they be forced to? Let them hide away, or seek the company of those who they prefer (within reason!).
Should we teach our autistic children social skills? These kids are living in a world that won’t always understand their differences so I see no harm in teaching them how the world works and how to ‘up-skill’ so they can connect more easily with others and find those relationships that they will undoubtedly seek. You might think that your child will figure it out without intervention but I assure you, they’re going to struggle. I’m pretty good at social-emotional stuff and quite savvy at watching people’s behaviour, but even I still have a lot of difficulty in this area. They might need just a few chats here and there, or to be enrolled in a systematic social skills programme, it entirely depends on your child. If a course is needed, look for ones that will truly help them as well as embrace their unique skills and differences. Better yet if it’s run from a Christian worldview. You can also teach them a lot as their parent, and if all else fails, do what I did and start your own. Google is your friend! Ultimately it is your child’s choice as to whether they use the social skills that they have learned but at least they’re given a choice by being taught them. I would also like to point out that many children (and adults) who aren’t autistic could also do with some training in this area so don’t think social skills courses are just for autistics.
What do you think about my take on social skills courses? Agree? Disagree? Let me know your thoughts.