Another reason to tell your child that they are autistic

If you read ‘Telling your child that they are autistic, part 1’, then you’ll know why I recommend disclosure to your child of their neurodivergence. I mentioned that if your child knows that they are autistic then,

1) they can understand what they need and partner with you in seeking it, and

2) they can be in a better position to self-advocate.

It’s always a good idea to keep researching and keep thinking, and thanks to further reading I have something more to add to this topic that might be helpful. Here’s a 3rd reason why I think you should tell your child:

3) You can have an honest conversation with your child to prepare them for the
future

One of your jobs is to prepare your child to be an adult

I’ll be delving more into the topic of ‘preparation for the next step’ once I can re-claim my brain from the university that I am currently studying through, however suffice to say that yes, folks, your kids are going to grow up! They are one day hopefully going to leave home and financially sustain themselves and expand their relationships and no longer be under your care. I say ‘hopefully’ because research reveals how dismal the chances of this happening are. And when I say dismal, I actually mean downright devastating. Not only do I read about it, I hear real-life stories of the here-and-now, adults who are so debilitated due to their autism and co-occurrences that they can’t hold down jobs, they have continuous relationship break-downs, they cannot physically look after themselves, and they struggle to find the support that they need to be an adult. I’m not saying that your child will be among these people, however I’m going to be honest and say that statistically speaking there’s a pretty good chance. Being an adult is hard, and autistics have a rougher time of it than most. Your child needs you to start preparing them for the future from a young age as chances are it’ll take that extra time for them to hit the same milestones as their neurotypical peers.

They will be more successful if they have a say

People are more inclined towards doing something when they can see the reason for it and are motivated. Your child is also a person (surprise!) and is no different, and the topic of their future is an excellent example of when having some ‘buy-in’ will go a long way towards achieving a successful transition to adulthood. This means asking what goals they’d like to achieve and discussing the path of how to get there. Please note, I’m not saying that their voice is the only one that matters, because let’s face it, young people can’t always be trusted to know what’s best for themselves! There are a number of stakeholders that have varying degrees of weight in these conversations, including you. And your child’s presence won’t be necessary or even appropriate in every conversation. But they will be more successful in taking the next step if they are aware of, and a part of, their preparation for it as much as is reasonable and possible.

Allow for honest conversations

These conversations will invariably include the strengths and challenges that come with autism. If they don’t then they’re not worth having as they are not being realistic about the situation. Your child will not suddenly become neurotypical when they turn 18. In fact, as I mentioned above, life is probably going to become even more challenging for them when they leave school because being an autistic adult is hard and the available supports decrease greatly. So I recommend telling your child from when they are young that they are autistic so that the conversation will flow naturally. You can get directly to the point, rather than skirting around the edges and undermining your efforts because of all those things you need to talk about but can’t (it’s hard enough as it is to avoid using deficit-based language). Fundamentally these conversations will involve discussing their strengths and challenges (of which they’ll probably know about anyway), and this is actually what autism is: a bunch of strengths and challenges within set areas that are common to a group of people.

If I can put this another way…

I’m going to do something completely uncharacteristic and potentially embarrass myself by rephrasing this in gaming terms. I apologise if this is lame or not quite an accurate representation of what gaming is about however this is my interpretation as a non-gamer so I hope you forgive me! It’s the perfect analogy though even if it turns out to be incorrect.

Scenario: Your child/teen needs to successfully undertake a quest so that they can ‘level up’. Before they set out they need to know the following information:

·    what the quest is,

·    their character’s strengths and weaknesses,

·    what’s in their personal inventory,

·    how to obtain the necessary inventory articles that are missing,

·    know what and where to find the support they need as they pursue their tasks, and

·    understand their adversity.

If they aren’t given this information, if you remain the guardian of knowledge and send them on a quest that they do not know anything about, then what do you think their chance of success will be? The more information they have, the better their chance of success. That information includes their diagnosis. As hard as life is for those adult autistics that I referred to previously, all of them are grateful to know of their diagnosis because it sheds light on why they do what they do, or struggle to do what they want to do, and it guides them when seeking help. The majority of these autistics were adult-diagnosed and they all wished they had this diagnosis when they were children because they feel their adult lives would be much different (and for many, subsequently easier).

I’ll be going more in-depth into the how and whys of preparing your child for their ‘next step’ another time, however I just thought I’d quickly write-up this third reason why you should tell your child that they are autistic. If you haven’t read the original series then I recommend you do so as it’ll take you through an example of how you can tell them (it’s actually pretty easy!), as well as overturning common arguments for not telling them.