Lessons I Learned From a Terrible Therapy Experience
This post is going to cover therapy, play therapy, and some lessons I’ve learned. I have to apologise for kinda-sorta tricking you with this title. My terrible therapy experience wasn’t for a particularly nefarious reason (as you’ll soon find out) but who wants to read a blog post with a boring title?
So here’s the story:
A couple of months ago I was pondering what my kids needed and settled on the idea of play therapy. It seemed like the perfect arrangement and the particular clinic was recommended to me because they were Christian. After a 2 hour ‘intake’ session where she seemed lovely and our values clearly aligned, she was more than happy to take on my kids as clients. There were a couple of down-sides to it (location and timing weren’t perfect) however the pros far outweighed the cons. Sign me up, lassie!
Lesson 1. Make sure you employ therapists that you can trust.
Therapists can have a lot of influence, especially if they are in a room with your children and you can’t hear what’s being said. I’m sure most will be professional and leave their own personal views at the door, however since they are just as human as we are then I’m also certain that a number won’t. The fact that the majority of therapists are secular and we live in an increasingly outspoken ‘woke’ world means that I want to be 100% sure that what’s coming out of a therapists mouth into my vulnerable children’s ears are values that we uphold. If this means attending therapy at a time that isn’t wholly suitable or at a location that’s not 100% convenient then I’ll just have to make it work.
Let us continue…
I went into this arrangement with certain ideas and goals, but mainly because I needed guidance. I’ve been doing lots of at-home therapy with my kids, researching in my ‘spare time’ (let’s all take a moment to chuckle at that statement before moving on), and planning out an intervention path. I am a firm believer in parents directing their child’s therapy path but this doesn’t mean you need to do it alone! Therapists can be extremely useful creatures. We attended a few sessions and these goals changed to ones I hadn’t even recognised (see, useful!). Apparently play underpins a heap of social skills, and social skills underpin the success of many other areas of life. And my kids are quite delayed in their play skills. This explains an awful lot about their (lack of) socialising abilities! This revelation meant that I altered my plans from an ‘every other month’ session with the therapist to weekly. It meant shuffling around funding so we could afford it, and pushing things off our schedule to make it fit (manoeuvring other activities around as well so we didn’t miss out on other stuff). But my kids need these skills and I’m going to make it happen!
Lesson 2. Make therapy a priority.
The skills your children are being taught, or whatever the reason for the therapy, can make a huge difference in other areas of life. Often they are needed to progress forward, or to enable your child to then be able to do something else. Too many children reach adulthood missing vital foundational skills and this impacts their relationships, their jobs, and their ability to look after themselves. Yes, you’ll have to sacrifice in order to prioritise therapy, because therapy takes TIME. Driving there, staying for the session, driving back – it’s like any extracurricular activity and should really be treated as such. It might need to replace another activity, such as a sporting team, or an organised club. It may need to replace some learning time at school, because their brain is the most receptive towards learning in the morning and therapy is most definitely learning. I’ve pared back the subjects/activities that my children are learning to incorporate therapy (both in-house and external). As my kids love learning and participating in other activities this is a big sacrifice, but I guarantee that they’ll catch up on that other stuff later on; they can’t afford to miss out on learning these other skills now.
An awful realisation.
As I said, I spend a lot of time at home doing ‘home therapy’, concepts which actually underpin play - interoception, emotional intelligence, self-regulation. This works well as we’re thus tackling the problem from two different angles as a team. But this also highlights the biggest change in my plan that I never expected would come as a result of contacting the play therapist. Yes, my kids are developmentally behind in play, um… but so am I. Oh dear. Now, I’m not a ‘play Mum’, and my kids know that. When the kids were younger and the parenting books (and the speechie) all said that I should sit and play with my kids, narrating their actions and blah blah blah, I was so BORED. I did try, honest I did! But I have never enjoyed having a pretend tea party (why don’t we just have a real one?) or having toy animals rampage through the loungeroom (too loud, way too much effort). So I admit that my efforts were pretty pathetic at best and didn’t last all that long. I decided that I’d be ‘do things for my kids Mum’ instead. Does your cot need to be upgraded into a bed? Let’s see if we can find the perfect one. Would homeschooling suit your needs better? Sure, let’s do it! Do you need me to keep you alive? I’m all over it! Give me a goal and I’m there, but give me a toy lion and I’m completely lost. The question is, how much did my own inability and dislike of play prevent my children from learning these valuable skills? Sure, their autism is probably the primary factor here, but early intervention in the form of me playing with them might have made a huge difference.
Lesson 3. Don’t let guilt stop you from getting the help that your child needs.
By and large, therapists are your friends (although refer to #1 to retain a healthy dose of sceptism) and for the sake of your child’s well-being they’ll need to tackle those negative parenting choices that you may have made intentionally, or unintentionally. Personally, I passed on some genetic conditions to my kids (not my fault!) and impacted them by my lack of play (kinda-sorta notmyfaultbutmyfault). Who knew parenting would be so tough, and that things we can’t control and choices we make all have consequences down the track? (That was a trick question.) Instead of dwelling on your ‘failures’ and allowing shame and guilt to immobilise you, just get on with it. Identify what your child needs and book in that appointment, even if it means bringing up some things that you aren’t too proud of and that aren’t going to reflect nicely on you. Burying them because you’re too ashamed is not going to solve anything; in fact it will merely cause larger problems for your children in the future. Is that what you want?
I’m sorry, but who’s this therapy session for?
So children need to play, and children need examples on how to do it. And thus one of the changes to the goals that I never saw coming was that I needed to learn how to play. AGH!!!!!!! This was NOT what I had in mind! The therapist was nice about it, asking how to make this as easy as possible for me. And while every instinct I had was to run away as quickly as possible, I knew that running was not an option. My children’s ability to play would improve far more quickly if I was involved. Thus I made a deal with this therapist: I will do exactly what you want me to do (Kill Me Now!!!) but it will be done kicking and screaming all the way. The only reason why I am willing to undergo this torture is because my adult brain is overriding my instincts and forcing me to make the necessary changes, for the sake of my kids. And it must be done now, because it can take time to see the results from therapy sessions, and I need all the time I can get if I’m going to transform into a ‘play Mum’.
Lesson 4. Therapy can really suck for the person who’s doing it.
Those who attend therapy need intervention as whatever skills etc. that they’re missing are unlikely to happen naturally (or at the very least not in the time-frame that they’re needed!). Encouraging this skill acquisition to occur can actually be really, really difficult, especially if their brains just aren’t willing to change. They’re comfortable, so why should they change? While therapy will generally have a positive impact on for your child, still recognise how difficult it will be for them. Difficult not just in the moment, either, but potentially the build up as well. I had incredible anxiety before the latest play therapy session because I knew what was coming. I knew that I would be placed in a free play setting without any particular rules other than ‘follow my child’s lead’. No boundaries, no control. I also wasn’t allowed to connect with him on the level that I usually would – I had to actually PLAY. For 10. Whole. Minutes. NO!!!!!!! Thus, anxiety! It ruined my evening before as all I could think about was what was wrong in the world, and top of my list was play therapy. So be mindful that therapy isn’t (usually) an easy, carefree activity but can be very difficult and draining. Not just for kids either - I’m 37!
Accepting this new challenge.
You might be wondering whether this therapy thing is worth it. So far I’ve talked about sacrifice, anxiety and pretty much ‘doom and gloom’, and that’s just my own experience let alone my kids! Actually, my kids have had a pretty good run with therapy so far. I’ve been quite careful in who I’ve chosen for them, and the only one that my son has absolutely flat-out refused to go to I can understand why (he was being challenged too much and needed a more ‘softly softly’ approach) and we’re now approaching it a different way (home-based programme with me running through it slower and gentler). This kid has been seeing different therapists since he was 4, so that’s a pretty good track record. It helps however that he understands why he is going to therapy and not doing something else. After all, to list therapy as your extra-curricular activity is rather unusual. I had a chat with him when he was about 8 and since then I always explain why I book him in places and what I hope the outcome will be. Now whenever he attends, my son has buy-in and motivation to see it through.
Ah yes, motivation. Motivation is key when it comes to convincing your child to do something that might be potentially difficult yet good for them, so strive to figure out what best will ‘hit the spot’. I’ve already mentioned why I’m willing to make the sacrifices necessary to go to play therapy, however there’s actually a much larger underlying motivation that surpasses them all, and this is what I cling to in those moments of GAH! I have a pretty good relationship with my kids, but I know that it can and will be improved even more if I get alongside of them and be the Mum they’d love me to be: a play Mum. My son is 10 and I am very aware of the teenage years looming. While strained relationships between teens and their parents aren’t guaranteed, I don’t want to risk the chance that this might happen to us, so I will do whatever it takes now to fortify our relationship for the coming turbulent years. If that means I have to play with little toy animals for 10 whole minutes then I reckon I can do that because my kids are worth it. Even if it kills me.
Lesson 5. Give them the reasons why.
While the mantra, ‘therapy is good for them’ still stands, there is also the need to balance this out with, ‘therapy must have some level of enjoyment’, and ‘the kids need to be motivated into attending by knowing and agreeing to the end goal’. Give them some buy-in; tell them the reasons why you’re doing it. Not in terms of, ‘You are disabled and we’re going to fix you,’ but rather, ‘You know how you struggle a bit in this area? I’ve found someone who might be able to help you out.’ In order for this to work best you need to be able to have honest conversations with your child about their strengths and challenges, and I highly recommend that this is embedded within a conversation about their diagnosis. See my blog posts about telling your child that they’re autistic if you want more information about this topic, and if your child isn’t autistic but has some other neurodiversity, then still read it and easily swap out the word ‘autism’ for another.