More lessons from Play Therapy
A few months ago I wrote about the lessons I learned by attending play therapy. Every week my children would have their individual sessions and then I would come in half way into my son’s, to learn how to play. MOST unpleasant. If you wish to hear about the lessons I learned as I willingly underwent such torture, you can do so here. As an amendment to that blog post, I will say that eventually the sessions settled into a far more predictable pattern so that, while I still wouldn’t call the time spent enjoyable, at least there was a degree of familiarity, which created a sense of control, which led to decreased anxiety. Far more pleasant, and might I say such an autistic response!
At the end of our sessions the therapist and I got together to do a ‘generalisation’ session – how to use the 4 key elements of filial play in everyday life. I was not looking forward to this as I had images of my having to sit on the floor pretending to enjoy playing with dinosaurs for the rest of my life, however as we talked I realised that I had actually integrated these elements into my parenting and interactions without even realising it. With not one dinosaur in sight!
While my children are continuing play therapy, this chapter in life for me has now ended (thank God!), but I want to finish it by reflecting on how it’s often through the hard times in life that we see the most growth. Personally I found play therapy to be very difficult, but glory to God because I am definitely a better person for it.
1. God has His own agenda
Sometimes therapy doesn’t go as planned. I went into play therapy with the vague notion that I needed to learn to be a ‘play Mum’ and connect better with my son, and came out the other end with a far better outcome: a more nurturing, intuitive, and dare I say it, ‘playful’ person, who actually wants to spend time with her kids. I never thought this possible! For me, this will have far longer-lasting implications than knowing how to make dinosaur sounds.
But wait, there’s more.
Knowledge and skills are all well and good, but one must practise! So God coincided play therapy with enabling us to buy a campervan and going on an unplanned holiday (with many more holidays planned in the future), opening up a weekly time slot to spend with my son one-on-one, and starting a home OT programme which guarantees my daughter exclusive access to me for 40 minutes each day. Practise a-plenty!
But wait, there’s more.
Here I was expecting to up-skill so I can spend more time with my son, but as you can see, God decided that my daughter should have equal benefits. I was so focussed on one that I almost missed the other, and am grateful that God has His eye on the situation because I completely agree with His decision. This last year has been a real wake-up call concerning how high and subsequently debilitating my daughter’s anxiety is, and the strength of our relationship is crucial to her future mental health.
I had my plans but God had better ones, and they are far better than I conceived. Are you open to God having His own agenda?
2. God created us the way we are for a reason
I remember when my son was born and I asked myself, ‘Why did I decide to become a parent?’ It was nothing against him, it just revealed a real lack of insight into my personality and a misunderstanding about how varied parents can be. In a very short time I had learned four things about myself:
1. I do have the capacity to love children (though preferably just mine).
2. I am not particularly maternal (see #1 before you ask me to babysit).
3. I am highly goal orientated (Take care of this child? No. Keep this baby alive and healthy? Consider it done!)
4. I am not a ‘play Mum’.
Yet here I was, 11 years later, attending play therapy. Hmm, this should be interesting.
I believe that God is all-powerful and still performs miracles, however thinking that I would enter play therapy being who I was, and exit transformed into an entirely different person, was being a tad optimistic. Not to mention misguided. Sure, God can do anything, and so I was open to the notion that I could come out differently (kicking and screaming all the way, mind you), however I had forgotten that God created me in a particular way for a particular reason. Yes, I have definitely become more nurturing and caring and I take the time to listen and just ‘be’ with my children, however these were qualities that were lying dormant within in. Trust me, after having completed all these sessions, I can honestly and emphatically say that there is no ‘play Mum’ hidden inside, waiting to be released. I am ‘goal-oriented’ Mum; ‘let’s do things together’ Mum. Put these together and you have me scheduling in quality time to spend with my kids for very specific reasons. This is me, and this is what my kids need.
They need a Mum who will spend hours learning about how to teach a child with dyslexia how to read, or listen to hours of lectures on how to reduce anxiety.
They need a Mum who is highly adept at creating routines and keeping life balanced so that we can schedule in one-on-one time that nothing will get in the way.
They need a Mum who is willing to undergo therapy and learning the hard stuff so that she can understand how it feels for her children, and thus make it as easy as possible for them.
God has a reason why he has created me the way I am, and you the way you are. You might be a ‘play Mum’, or a different Mum entirely, and that’s perfectly fine too! Do not feel compelled to become something He never intended for you to be.
3. God intentionally places us in the situations we are in
As the play therapist and I talked, I realised that I am so blessed to be an integral part in my children’s journeys. I may not have achieved the ideal outcomes from play therapy, however God made sure that I (unintentionally) adapted these outcomes so that they fit into our familial situation, and this is ultimately what the therapist desired. So perhaps I am the perfect student after all? Never thought I’d hear that in my lifetime! Regardless, I am the perfect Mum for my kids – present, loving, willing to learn, and motivated. Definitely motivated. God knew this when He made me the parent of my two kids, He knew this when He led us to homeschooling, and He knew this when had me (seemingly) randomly sign up for play therapy.
Where has God led you this year that you weren’t expecting? Do you feel frustrated that your life plans have been thwarted, or have you considered that perhaps you are exactly where God wants you to be for reasons of His own? For me, this year has been particularly difficult as my daughter’s challenges outgrew our resources and knowledge and we have had to scramble to up-skill so that we could meet them head-on. Thankfully God knew what was coming and guided us through, including enrolling me in a tough stint of play therapy (GAH!!!) so that I can become the parent that my daughter needs.
Are you praying that you will become the parent that your children need, no matter the cost? Are you motivated to grow and change to meet their challenges? If this idea seems daunting, don’t worry, because God isn’t going to ask you to become a completely different person; He has already created who He needs and simply asks you to be willing to go along for the ride.